co-author: Mike Conant
Driving a taxi must be the pits, Siggy thought. The cabbies made more money if they could get to their destination sooner. So they used every trick in the book to try to gain a few seconds. Running lights was standard procedure. Or they would lay scratch and peel out as soon as the light turned green, leaving the other cars in the dust. When they saw a clear shot, they would floor it and then slam on the anchor. But those worn brakes did not always stop on a dime. Yes, it was safer to gumshoe one’s way at a slow clip down The Great White Way.
Moe knew a bar on West 44th Street where they could get a brewsky before heading down to Chinatown to grab a bite. Moe needed to down a few after pounding the pavement all day. After Chinatown, the plan was to swing by the San Gennaro festival in Little Italy, and then hit some after-hours clubs.
Look at those bright lights, Siggy thought. This must be the center of the world. Moe gestured, and they went into the guzzle shop. Moe knew Eddie, the barkeep on duty, and they walked immediately back towards the bar.
On their way, Moe and Siggy pass two men in their early to mid-fifties, stressed-out types, who appear to be thoroughly plastered. They are typical of the middle-aged men of New York who spend their lives working in offices in midtown Manhattan. Moe grinned to himself as he slid onto his stool next to Siegfried. Moe poked him in the ribs, nodding toward the pair.
MOE: Hey Siggy, Ever heard of the rat race?
SIEGFRIED: No. What’s that? You want to bet some more?
MOE: I gotta hand it to you, Siggy. You don’t miss a trick! No. But scope out those old fogies frontloading over there. The guy on the right is a dead ringer for Archie Bunker. Ever heard of him?
SIEGFRIED: Wasn’t he a TV character?
MOE: Right on! Just dial in for a minute. This should be fun.
They both sit quietly listening in on the conversation taking place next to them.
PHIL: I’ve had it. I mean I just can’t hack it anymore. I’ve been working my fingers to the bone trying to make ends meet. I gotta feed the family, pay for their education and all my wife can think of is dragging me out to hit the stores so she can shop til’ she drops. Christ, she acts like Christmas comes twice a week! Is my name Trump or what? Who does she think I am anyway? Do I look like I’m rolling in dough? Every time I turn around I gotta fork out another week’s pay. Hell, I’m flat broke and I’m up to my ears in debt! I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I tell you I’m so uptight, I’m a nervous wreck! Hey Eddie. Touch me up with another bourbon and a splash of soda, will you. What are you having, Sid?
SID: Gimme a CC, Eddie.
EDDIE: Ice?
SID: No. Straight up. And give us something to nosh on.
PHIL: What was I sayin’?
SID: No pain no gain.
PHIL: Now you’re talkin’. Get a load of this. My wife, we’re going to my daughter’s piano recital tonight, right. So she says ‘I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing last year’s gown.’ And I says gee, honey, what about the snazzy number you bought last week at Macys? Can you believe it! She says: ‘I got that rag at a closeout sale!’ I says, so what, I do most of my drinkin’ at happy hour. What’s the big deal? Man, she flipped her wig. She went completely bananas! ‘My daughter is giving her first piano recital tonight and the place is going to be crawling with parents dressed to the nines and you want me to show up looking like a bag lady! Not on your life I won’t.’ Christ! She chewed me out so bad I just shut my face and scrammed. Hey Eddie, gimme another. Scotch the splash and make it a double.
EDDIE: You want a chaser with that?
PHIL: Yeah. Gimme a beer. What are you having, Sid?
SID: Gimme another CC, Eddie.
PHIL: So what was I sayin’?
SID: No pain no gain.
PHIL: Now you’re talkin’. Get a load of this. My wife, we’re going to my daughter’s piano recital tonight, right. So she says ‘I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing last year’s gown.’ And I says gee, honey, what about the snazzy number you bought last week at Macys? Can you believe it! She says: ‘I got that rag at a closeout sale!’ I says, so what, I do most of my drinkin’ at happy hour. What’s the big deal? Man, she flipped her wig. She went completely bananas! ‘My daughter is giving her first piano recital tonight and the place is going to be crawling with parents dressed to the nines and you want me to show up looking like a bag lady! Not on your life I won’t.’ Christ! She chewed me out so bad I just shut my face and scrammed. Hey Eddie, gimme another. Scotch the splash and make it a double.
EDDIE: You want a chaser with that?
PHIL: Yeah. Gimme a beer. What are you having, Sid?
SID: Gimme another CC, Eddie.
PHIL: So what was I sayin’?
SID: Your get-up-and-go has got up and went.
PHIL: Yeah. For crying out loud. I mean I need this like I need a hole in the head! She’s eating me outta house and home! You with me?
SID: Yeah, Phil. But say it – don’t spray it! Would’ya!
PHIL: Sorry, Sid.
SID: You wanna know what I think?
PHIL: Yeah.
SID: I think your old lady got you by the balls. She’s been stringing you along for too long. I ain’t no shrink or nothin’ but it sounds like you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’. C’mon, Phil, why don’t you stop flappin’ your gums and straighten up and fly right. You mean it took you 14 years to figure out that Muriel is too rich for your blood? Come off it! You got a nose for trouble that’s what you got! Use your noodle for a change. Get her a charge account at Woolworth’s. Lay down the law, pal!
PHIL: Hey Eddie, gimme another double. Make it a double double. What are you having Sid?
SID: Gimme another CC, Eddie.
PHIL: What was I sayin’?
SID: Win a few lose a few.
Moe leans over to Siegfried and whispers.
MOE: That’s what you call drowning your sorrows, Sig. Sure hope I don’t wind up like that.
In the mean time, Gina, an extremely good looking woman in her mid-twenties with big hair and spike heels, enters and makes a beeline for the bar. Her pace is quick and determined, and it’s clear from the expression on her face that she’s not out for a social or a casual drink. Vinnie, a young wigga from the hood, twirls around on his barstool as she hurries past.
VINNIE: Hey sugar! You sure look way dope in that fly gear. Wud’dy’a havin’?
GINA: Take a picture – it lasts longer, dode! Spaz out on somebody else!
VINNIE: Whoa! Don’t throw a tude, babe, I was only tryin’ to …
GINA: Stuff it!
Moe and Gina catch sight of each other the moment she hotfoots it past Vinnie.
MOE: Hey Gina, how’s my B-girl? What’s the 411? Hear you’ve been livin’ large. C’mon over. Want you to meet …
Gina breaks her stride and ambles over to Moe and Siegfried.
GINA: Well, if it ain’t the big spender himself. How’s it goin’, Moe? Still stone to the bone?
MOE: Just hangin’ loose, girl. Takin’ care of business.
GINA: How ’bout standing me a drink?
She turns to the bartender without waiting for a reply.
GINA: Make it a seven and seven, Eddie. (Nods her head at Moe.) On him.
In the meantime, she eyes up Siegfried from head to toe as if Moe might never get around to introducing him; as if Moe just might be suckin’ up to this guy’s clout for himself and the time to act is now! In fact, she’s clockin’ him so hard that Siegfried begins to squirm.
GINA: So, who’s the hunk, since I have to ask?
MOE: Yeah. Meet my man Siegfried. Just over from Germany. He’s good to go.
GINA: Well then, make it a double, Eddie. (to Siegfried) How ya livin’, Sig … what? ’Fraid I didn’t catch the handle. Would you run that by me again?
SIEGFRIED: Sieg–fried.
GINA: Well, you sure ain’t from the hood with a name like that. Let’s chop it down to Siggy for starts. I knew this German dude in high school named Rhinehard. Everybody called him Die Hard. We used to do doughnuts in the parking lot with his old man’s Beamer. So how long you gonna be in the Big Apple, Siggy? Aren’t you having anything to drink? Nothing like a little booze to chase away the blues.
She shoots him a hot-blooded look. Hmm, fine as wine … sure like to par-tay with him!
Siegfried begins to fidget. He glances nervously at Moe, who turns away laughing.
SIEGFRIED: Oh. Yes. I want to become a vodka!
MOE: Hey, don’t go overboard, man. Better things to be in life than a vodka. Hang loose, the night’s still young.
EDDIE: (Smiling) On the rocks?
Siegfried gives Moe another hurried look. Moe points to the ice machine. Siegfried nods.
MOE: Eddie, give’em a vodka rocks. Stoly. (He turns to Gina.) What, no gig tonight?
GINA: Just chilling out between sets.
MOE: (To Siegfried) She’s got a great set of pipes.
SIEGFRIED: Pipes?
MOE: You know. Like vocal chords. She’s a singer. Jazz singer. (To Gina) Hear you’ve had a lot of hassles at the club lately?
GINA: Yeah. The joint is running on borrowed time as far as I’m concerned. Everybody’s in the dumps. Got a square?
Moe nods toward a pack on the counter. She takes one and lights up.
MOE: So what’s goin’ down?
GINA: Maxie had to beef up the door to keep out the crackheads and now he’s playin’ us close. You know clippin’ us to make ends meet. Can you dig that crap? He’s tight as Jimmy’s hatband and I know that snake is makin’ out like a bandit! If he can’t show me the props then it’s time to bail. No use making waves. I had a good run and it kept the wolf from the door. I just think it’s time to cut myself some slack and find a new gig. Hell, I paid my dues and this meal ticket is definitely over. Besides, the band’s on its last legs anyway.
MOE: I thought you said they were gas?
Siegfried glances at the bar. A couple of jokers had lined up about twenty dead soldiers sitting in a row like ducks. It was a display of all different labels of suds and ale. Now the pranksters were gonna let loose – play some kind of game, see who could flatten the bottles first with a tennis ball. Americans think Heineken is a premium European beer, Siggy thought to himself with a chuckle. And what kind of pig sweat is Red Dog? I wonder where I can scare up some Holsten. Siggy looks back at Moe and Gina, and tries to decipher what they were saying.
GINA: They’re burnt-out major. Gus did a ghost. Somebody bussed on ’em cause he was packin’ and now he’s up for a bullet. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Right? Jaco and Val are on the outs, Booker’s been blowin’ the same licks for the last six months and Art is coming on like a wigged-out space cadet. He was the best drummer I ever had, best in the biz. Bang on the beat and now he can’t lay down a groove to save his life. This soul sista uptown really got his nose open. He’s completely spaced. If he doesn’t watch out, she’s gonna put a baby on him. But what really blows my mind is that now he’s talkin’ about doin’ the borscht circuit come summer. Just his speed.
Gina turns to Siegfried and smiles through her lashes.
GINA: You into music, Siggy?
SIEGFRIED: I like music very much. Especially jazz.
GINA: Well now you’re cookin’ with gas! (Turns to Moe) This dude’s on hit! Can you spare another square? So why don’t you bring Siggy over to the club tonight? Check out the freaks. There’ll be a lotta cake there tonight, Moe. Tenderoni, just like you like ‘em. Later we can hit the town and I can show Siggy where the real action is. I’ll take ‘em to some funky places where we can hang out, bust a move, you know, tear it up and really bug out. You down?
SIEGFRIED: Super! I’d like that.
Moe turns to Gina, blocking Siggy’s face with his back.
MOE: What about what’s-his-face? Isn’t he picking you up tonight?
GINA: You mean Buddy? No way José! That’s history! Just don’t get me started on that doofus, okay? All I want is to max and relax right now.
MOE: Okay. Take it light, babe.
Gina continues, however. It’s obvious that she wants to get something off her chest.
GINA: Ever since he started mintin’, he’s all work and no play. He’s so strung out and he doesn’t even know it. Stackin’ is all he thinks about! Stackin’ and gettin’ jacked. What a drag.
She stops for a moment to take a hefty swig of her drink.
GINA: You know what he did? He went and had three new locks and a police bar put in the apartment two weeks ago. You’d think the place was Fort Knox or somethin’. I says, no way you’re gonna lay that trip on me. Do it and you’re through! Hell, I might be tapped out, but at least I ain’t over the hill. About as romantic as he can get is wham-bam-thank you ma’am! And talk about couch potatoes. The only thing that pushes his buttons is cable TV. Leave me alone with that stiff! I’ve had it!
MOE: So, you’re back on the block?
GINA: You bet! And damn funky fresh at that!
She turns her attention back to Siggy. He looks horny enough to be a Scorpio.
GINA: So, what’s your sign, Siggy?
Siggy gives her a vague look.
GINA: Like, uh, when were you born?
SIEGFRIED: Oh. November. I’m Scorpion.
GINA: (to herself: Bingo!) Buddy’s Virgo. Sign of the couch potato. I’m a Gemini. That makes us copasetic, Siggy. So why’dy’a say we get together under the stars and you can tell me all about Germany!
Siegfried grins.
SIEGFRIED: Yeah, sure. Tonight?
GINA: (Toying with her empty glass.) Any chance of a refill? I’m flat broke. (Sings) … The eagle flies on Friday.
SIEGFRIED: Yeah. Of course … certainly.
Eddie makes another seven and seven which Gina downs in one gulp.
GINA: Well, that’ll put hairs on my chest! (She glances at her watch.) I gotta make tracks. You guys comin’ over?
Moe looks hesitant.
GINA: If you’re dragging your feet about Betty, forget it. She’s such a ditz, she won’t remember anyway.
MOE: She benched me royal the next night. Man, I can’t even remember what happened. What’s she so amped about?
GINA: C’mon, you can do better than that, Moe. Look, you were crestin’ all over this chick. Right? Then you slide up and start to dialogue her till she’s beggin’ for it, and all the sudden you up and stick her with the tab and split. Hell, you deserve to be dissed and dismissed.
She glances at her watch again.
GINA: Hey, I gotta bail. I’m late. Catch ya on the flip flop.
Gina leaves in a hurry. Moe turns to Siegfried with a grin.
MOE: Well, Siggy, looks like you’re on the case!
SIEGFRIED: She’s a real bummer!
MOE: Wait a minute, Sig. You got that one bassackwards. A bummer is like a bad trip. Before we fall in the club I’m gonna have to drop a little jive on you.
SIEGFRIED: So what do you hold from her, Moe?
MOE: Hold? She’s too hot to handle!
Moe picked up the check. The two friends walked back out onto the street. This was Gotham, Siggy thought, the hub of Spaceship Earth. And tonight he was gonna score in a New York minute. Siggy could hardly keep a lid on his excitement, and he busted a gut. There was the breathtaking Manhattan skyline, and he was a part of it.
