Around the Town (a Sports Gambling story), part 4 of 4
co-author: Mike Conant
MOE: If your team this week is the Cowboys, then you’re leaving yourself wide open for it. Don’t worry, Bill. The Niners won’t run it up too bad on the ‘Boys this time. But expect a thrashing!
TOM: Now I dig it, the 49er fans are as cocky as the Steeler fans are rowdy. I guess that Bears game was a real confidence-builder. But it’ll be the Cowboys wearing the rings in the end.
STEVE: Somebody stick a fork in this bozo, please! He needs a reality check.
CLARENCE: Dudes, I made more money last weekend than Joe Six-Pack makes in a year. Let me guide you to that pot o’ gold. I’m on such a roll right now that last weekend in Atlantic City I even hit the jackpot at a one-armed bandit. While everyone else in the casino was dropping a bundle, yours truly cashed in his chips when he was a mile ahead. I went for broke, rolled the dice, and everything came up roses. I played my cards right, and man, now I’m on easy street. I’ve been taking my wife out on the town every night this week.
MOE: So what are your picks for this weekend’s games?
CLARENCE: Stay tuned! Hope you fellas still have some nickels and dimes left to play with.
MOE: There were no straight-up upsets last weekend. But the Chargers failed to cover. I don’t know what I was I thinkin’ when I bet on them? Call me nuts, but with this spread, I think I’m gonna go with the Bolts again on Sunday.
CLARENCE: I’d sure love to have some of what you’re smokin’, Moe. Whatever you do, don’t give up your day job!
MOE: Is this guy for real? You mean he gloats like that and then won’t even tell us his predix?
CLARENCE: Hear this, my man. I’ll bet you a fat man against the hole in a doughnut that the Chargers ain’t gonna make a single touchdown on Sunday. It’s gonna be a shutout. You got that? El zippo, the big goose egg, choke-o-rama, the big finito. So dig it, I’m saying get on board with the Steelers right now because there ain’t no point in laying more wood than necessary.
RALPH: I can’t see the Chargers partying on either, they just don’t have the swagger. But the Steelers will get blown out too when they get to the Big Show. They’ll be in over their heads and have their asses handed to them by either the 49ers or the Cowboys. Problem is they don’t have no quarterback. O’Donnell’s been carried by his players all season.
MOE: Yeah, I’ve been having mixed feelings about the man myself. But you’re way off base if you think the Steelers can’t win it all. In spite of the odds, they can gut it out. And I’ve already got money on them to go all the way, which is a lot better than shopping for an excuse.
STEVE: Quit yer belly-aching, and don’t forget to put an asterisk next to that last Chargers’ win.
CLARENCE: I’m saying – Pittsburgh vs. San Francisco in the Big One. Take it to the bank!
MOE: Don’t be so sure, big guy. The Niners and Dallas will be close. Remember, no ties in the playoffs. Sudden death ‘til you drop. It’ll be one play after another for the highlight reel.
HANK: The Niners‘ll beat them wire to wire. They won’t even break a sweat. It’s crunch time, and the second half will be garbage time. You Dallas droids will be watching figure skating next weekend. It’ll be a cake walk, a walk in the park.
CLARENCE: So what’s it gonna be fellas? What can I put you down for?
HANK: Put me down for a nickel on the Niners minus the points.
STEVE: I’ll go a buck-and-a-half on a two-team parley - ’Boys plus the wood and the over in the Pittsburgh game.
MOE: Ok, dudes. See you next week, after the fat lady sings, that is. And I sure hope you’re not sore losers. I’m outta here.
MOE: (Turning to Siegfried) Picking up some slanguage, my man? Hope you’ve got the munchies, because I think it’s time to chow down.
Siegfried nodded in agreement, and then suddenly started grinning from ear to ear. The two friends went back out onto the street. The air was cool, crisp and dry. Siggy looked up at the skyscrapers and knew that all was well.
GLOSSARY
after the fat lady sings – When the contest’s outcome is finally decided.
(a) mile ahead – Ahead by a large margin.
belly-aching – Complaining.
Big Finito – (1) The end of a team’s season; its elimination from the playoffs (2) Any dramatic loss which ends a run of good luck.
Big Goose Egg – Zero; absolutely nothing.
Big Show – (1) The Super Bowl (2) The championship game in any team sport (3) Any major or spectacular event.
blown out – Defeated by a decisive margin; a sporting event with a one-sided outcome.
Bolts – The San Diego Chargers football team.
‘Boys – The Dallas Cowboys Football Team.
bozo – A stupid person, a fool, a clown.
break a sweat – Start to perspire; need to go beyond a minimal effort.
buck-and-a-half – One hundred and fifty dollars.
cake walk – Something absolutely easy that requires almost no effort.
carried by his players – A prominent performer (like a quarterback or coach in football) who is successful largely due to the superior performance of teammates, rather than to his own performance.
cashed in one’s chips – (1) Exchanged chips for money at the end of a casino gambling session (2) Gave up or put an end to something (crossover from casino gambling).
choke-o-rama – To fail under pressure (just at the moment when one is very close to success – variation of choke).
chow down – To eat.
cocky – Arrogant, conceited.
come up roses – To have exceptionally good luck; to emerge profitably from a potentially perilous situation.
cover – Beat the point spread (football gambling).
crunch time – The crucial moments of a sports contest or season.
dig it – Believe, understand, call attention to, contemplate.
don’t give up your day job! – You are not very good at this activity (gambling, for example), so I would advise you not to stop doing whatever it is that you do to make a living.
Droids – (1) Mindless followers (2) Androids (3) Robots in the Star Wars film series.
dropping a bundle – Losing a large sum of money.
dudes – Men.
El Zippo – Absolutely nothing, zero.
fat man against the hole in a doughnut – Indicates complete confidence, and the willingness to wager everything against nothing, in the certainty of one’s prediction or statement.
fellas – Men.
for real – Believably existent.
garbage time – The final moments of a one-sided sports contest whose outcome has already been decided.
get on board – Join together with us in our opinion or plan of action.
gloats – Boasts.
go all the way – (1) Do something thoroughly and completely (2) Win the championship (sports) (3) Sexual intercourse.
go with – Take as my team or bet.
grinning from ear to ear – - Smiling broadly and with abandon.
gut it out – To be strong and resistant; to persist.
have their asses handed to them – To be decisively or thoroughly defeated.
highlight reel – The composite video of the best plays of a sports season.
hit the jackpot – (1) Win a large payout at a slot machine (2) Have great luck or success (crossover from gambling).
in over one’s head – Involved in something beyond one’s ability or qualifications.
Joe Six-Pack – The average American: a middle-income, football-watching, beer-drinking slob.
laying wood – Taking the favorite in a football bet, and thereby having to concede points in the point spread.
leaving oneself wide open – Exposing oneself or making oneself vulnerable.
minus the points – Choosing the favorite in a football wager, and thereby having to concede points in the point spread.
mixed feelings – A combination of positive and negative feelings.
munchies – Craving or desire for food (usually junk food).
my man – Affectionate, but respectful, term of address directed to a male.
nickel – Five hundred dollars.
nickels and dimes – (1) Bets in increments of five hundred and one thousand dollars (2) Very little money (3) Similar to the title of a book by Barbara Ehrenreich.
Niners – The San Francisco 49ers football team.
nuts – Crazy, irrational.
one-armed bandit – Slot machine.
on easy street – In a financially comfortable or worry-free situation.
on a roll – On a winning streak; enjoying a series of successes.
out on the town – Enjoying the pleasures of a city, especially its night life.
outta here – Have to leave.
partying on – (1) Continuing one’s success (2) Having a good time.
picking up – - Learning or absorbing, but without having to exert much effort.
picks – Selections; wagers; supposedly informed guesses.
play one’s cards right – Handle a situation in the cleverest and most advantageous manner.
plus the wood – A bet on the underdog in a football or other sporting contest, where one receives the benefit of the point spread.
pot o’ gold – The treasure which is said to be found at the end of a rainbow.
predix – Predictions.
put an asterisk next to – Consider it to have happened only due to unusual circumstances.
put someone down for – Make a written note of someone’s commitment or promised contribution.
reality check – A confrontation with events or others which causes one to face whether one is being realistic or self-deceptive.
rolled the dice – Took a chance.
rowdy – Violent, unruly.
run it up – Score lots and lots of points in order to humiliate a beaten and inferior opponent. shopping for an excuse – Look for a reason to not do something.
shutout – When one team in a sports contest scores no points at all, and is thereby completely embarrassed.
Slanguage – (1) Slang (2) African-American slang.
some of what you’re smokin’ – The thing which has made you so silly, wrong, or have such incorrect opinions.
sore losers – Unsportsmanlike; someone who loses and then complains, rather than being graceful.
spread – The point spread: the margin of victory (in points) by which the favorite in a football game is expected to defeat the underdog. The bettor either takes the underdog plus the points, or the favorite while conceding the points.
stay tuned – Don’t go away, because the really exciting news or stuff will be coming up soon.
stick a fork in – Wake someone up to reality; make them become aware of how things really are.
straight-up – (1) A drink with no ice (2) Frankly or honestly (3) Pure, unadulterated (4) The actual score of a football game, without considering the point spread.
sudden death - An overtime period in a sports contest where the first team or player to score wins.
swagger – (1) The look of a champion (2) Distinctive, self-confident way of walking.
take it to the bank – Be certain of something.
(The) Big One – The Super Bowl.
(The) Over – A football wager that more than a certain number of total points will be scored by both teams combined in a game.
thrashing – A thorough beating, a decisive defeat.
‘til you drop – Until you are completely exhausted.
touchdown – The most successful play in football; worth six points.
two-team parley – A football wager where one bets on the outcome of two different games; one must be right about the outcome of both games in order to win the bet.
upsets – A sporting event where the underdog wins.
walk in the park – Something extremely easy; achieved with little effort.
watching figure skating – What football fans do after their team has been eliminated from the playoffs.
way off base – Completely wrong or misguided.
wearing the rings – Winning the Super Bowl (football).
went for broke – Risked everything on a wager or in life.
win it all – Win everything; win the championship.
wire to wire – From beginning until end; throughout the entire duration of (crossover from horse racing).
yours truly – Me or myself (derives from the conventional closing salutation of a letter).
